The Terror

One of the most amazing women I’ve read lately is a woman named Dr. Margaret Paul. I highly recommend that you check out her program – she talked tonight about the Terror that you get from fear in her newsletter which I find to be enormously helpful. She asks her readers if we have ever felt the terror or sudden fear. I have a friend who has such anxiety that it’s like my anxiety times 1000! She just gets frozen. It’s awful. Frozen with fear. You suddenly find yourself feeling angry or scared or shut down when a minute ago you were fine! Sound familiar?
Yes – these apparently are triggered feelings. They are caused by people or situations that trigger us into rage, blame, anger, compliance, caretaking, resistance, withdrawal, numbness, dissociation, explaining, complaining, lecturing, righteosness, etc.
When she said these things it suddenly made me realize that I’ve been doing things from a triggered perspective for so many years. The lecturing, the explaining, the compliance…just wierd inexplicable stuff….that is all actually a reaction to previous traumatic events. Like – abuse – emotional, physical, or sexual. Loss through death of a parent, sibling, etc. Abandonement. Events such as war, rape, disaster.
So – I went about thinking through the things that happened to me. Well let’s see. My brother was stalking me sexually in my own home. I couldn’t sleep at night and had to keep my lights on. My sister was sexually fondled by my neighbor and my brother exposed himself to her. And on and on. I can’t even say some of this. But – the bottom line is that i lived in terror in my own home. Previous to that I lived in a home with a depressed brother and a depressed unpredicative mom who covered her depression with alchohol. I was abandoned by her very early on. . . when I was probably six months old….an infant…when she lost my infant sister to miscarriage at 5 months. The doctors told my parents to put their baby in a jar and drive to the hospital. My mother had a one year old and a one and a half year old at home. I’m sure she became a robot at that point. Especially because her own sister had died young and I think having a daughter die and not be able to acknowledge it – it killed her inside. She immediately got pregnant again and had another baby ten months after that. She was tired, depressed and propping herself up with cigarettes and coffee. Probably wine too. Poor thing. I wish I could wrap my arms around my mother because I don’t think anyone every did that with all of her losses. I think that my dad didn’t know what to do. I don’t know. Sometimes a husband is in grief too and at a total loss. I can understand that.
What the point of telling this rambly story is that we all have horrible losses – they cause our traumas. And then, because we were abandoned we act wierdly when we are triggered. I am finding inner strength – now that I am 50.
My Journey has been an interesting one – and it has been strange. I spent the past 12 years married to a man who swept me off my feet and then traumatized me by yelling, terrorizing me, controlling me, verbally abusing me. He got me pregnant without asking me to do so – and then abandoned me and the baby and spent his time just doing whatever he wanted to do. It was a nonsensical life and I had to get myself out of it. I had to get myself out of it.
And I did. But it’s a relief to read these words of this Doctor – sort of a way of forgiving me for acting stupidly. For acting out my fears and my terrors.
Unfortunately I lived with a man who terrorized me. I met him at 38. he followed me around and told me I was useless and stupid. Imagine that. I am still having reverberations.
I met him and married him instantly because I was an infant emotionally, and he was an infant – and so we had instant attraction to attach ourselves at the hip. Just at the hip like strange infants. We are trying to fill an emotional hole. I became agitated because he wanted sex 15 times a week. He was a sex addict so he finally got away from me, gained 30 pounds and started back on his porn trip – he claims to be impotent but then beats off like 10 times a week to the Internet when he’s alone.
This is a very wrong existence and I knew it. However I was trapped. I knew I was getting out but it took time and planning. In the middle of it my son developed a seizure disorder and I had to deal with that. He terrorized my son, too. And so things happen. Ten years fly by very quickly.
I threw parties, gardened, and entertained. I drank alot of wine. It was the only way to wash him away if only on a temporary basis.
Life serves you what you can handle – well – I say – what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I am getting better, little by litte. I beleive that we can rejuvenate our spirits if we just build up the good. My ten year old daughter says – one good thing if you say one bad thing. It’s a nice way to remember to be good to yourself.
Pema Chodron – the Buddhist nun – talks about developing confidence in yourself by becoming incredibly gentle with yourself. Very very gentle and kind to oneself – that is what will develop confidence.
When we beat ourselves up – it is because we are pulling down old tapes from old times. There is nothing better than learning to be gentle. More on that tomorrow.